PINGUIS TARDUS QUOD TURPIS

True to form we had a few cry-offs on the day but when you have 48 players to choose from there are one or two subs to fill the gaps!
Thanks to the lengthy tactical meetings throughout the previous week Capt Mike and Hippo of the Year Andrew Wilson were able to plan multiple strategies to cover every eventuality we might encounter on the pitch...............except catching the ball.

The lads gathered in the large changing room - just enough space for us all - to 'do a deal' and buy their black market hippo shirts ready for the big debut match, or maybe just to wear on the touchline as the ultimate fashion accessory. Thanks also to all those who coughed up their subs to the club debt collectors.......Mick O'Sullivan sent me a lovely postcard from his new pad in Barbados.
 
Ex Hippo of the Year, Paul Cullotty, was suitably bribed with a stash of shower gel to lead the prematch warm up and was heard to say that he was delighted to be working with proper rugby players not first team 'nancy boys'! It is alleged that after our recent performance the first team are looking to secure transfer deals for more hippos to assist Paul with his work with the first team.
 
The massive Harry lookalike condoms on the head proved to be challenging to keep on the head beyond the first 2 minutes of play but sadly for many players nobody could tell the difference whether it was on or off their heads! They did come in useful. Antony McNally said it helped to keep his hair dry and save his new hair do from being spoiled by the rain. John Henegan was delighted how, with the help of the added lubrication, he could slide his head between the legs of the front row when scrumming down as second row. Rumour has it that Tim Lang actually tried his out as a potential trendy item of headgear to go clubbing in after the match....................and then later christened it.

Well done Willo for introducing the new multifunctional piece of kit for future matches - and it saves on the usual electrical tape.
(patent pending)
 
The match was divided into quarters of 20 minutes a piece and the ref kindly assisted in the time keeping. It was a strong team in the first quarter who managed to notch up an impressive tally of tries with Tallie opening the scoring followed by Judo.

Seasoned Hippo campaigner, Duncan Berry, then surprised both himself and the crowd by catching the ball and running in a try - the look of surprise and fear on his face as he sprinted down the pitch on his own with no support, looking behind him for either a tackle or someone to offload the ball to was a gem and entertained the spectators! But the even bigger surprise was he actually converted his try too. A concept which is somewhat alien to the hippos.

Sadly Dicky Boy could not mirror the kicking expertise of Duncan and missed his attempt - but again this was a great source of entertainment for the herd of hippos on the touchline! Dicky is cutting short his unexpected venture into the backs and has decided to stick with the pack where he can keep up with the play.

Captain Mike was attempting to put his recently acquired circus skills to good use by juggling with the ball at every opportunity................and dropping it. But he obviously inspired the rest of the team who followed his example by dropping the ball too - the hall of fame/shame included the great and good of hippos: Micky Palmer, Heman and Tony Nash to name a few. (Tony managed to incorporate a fumbled ball with a kick over his own head resulting in him staring into the air looking for a ball he apparently 'lost'!
 
Hippos demonstrated that they are not the most intelligent animals when the lineout call - the same one we have been using for the past 30 years - proved to be too challenging for our jumpers. Al, who had struggled to imitate Harry Podex Equi Tempest with his line out throw ins all afternoon, had to resort to shouting "number two jump now!". Our timing was so bad we still managed to be penalised.
 
Tom 'Punchy' Ashley felt that the match was just far too good humoured and lacked a little 'action'.........and promptly improvised to liven things up. This was followed by a much needed rest on the touchline.
 
The biggest cheer of the whole afternoon was reserved for Big Charlie catching the ball on the kick off and making a magnificent 10 yard run! He can still work the crowds of supporters into a frenzy of excitement with his flashes of brilliance from a bygone age of Bournville rugby superstars and even had his very own fan club chanting for him on the touchline.
 
The Hippos kept the pressure up and maintained the comfortable lead - until the third quarter when the 'big boys' came on. We are talking the elite hippos who epitomise our team motto.........enormously fat, massively ugly and unbelievably slow.At this point it was felt that Aston needed a break to stop their spirits flagging. So we let them run a few tries in - just enough to keep them interested, and us a chance to get our breath back. Then we unleashed the lean mean hippos onto the pitch for the final quarter to watch them pop a few more points on the board and ensure that the game was in the bag. Ritchie Brighton, Stuart Rose and Damien Kimber wallowing over the line for a couple of worthy Hippo tries.
 
Final score 41 - 21 to the mighty hippos. Give or take a few points. A great and glorious victory which was worth waiting a hundred years for to even the scores! For match day pictures - click here
 
Congratulations to Duncan for being the inaugural recipient of the annual Podex Equi award in memory of Harry. The choice was unanimous made by the single judge - Nicky Tempest - along with the advice from dozens of able bodied BRFC supporters on the touchline all anxious to share their pearls of wisdom with her! He was deemed to be the player who best embodied the spirit of Bournville and the pride of Harry whilst on the pitch. Tallie was later awarded the man of the match for his try scoring abilities and joined Duncan for a dunkin in the bar later.
(Sadly Tallie is the only Hippo who complains about his shirt being too big - Willo he must be given standard issue Ginsters on a daily basis until further notice under the advice of our team dietician Big Charlie)

The Aston Old Eds team were a great bunch and really enetered into the spirit of the game and have to be given credit for giving our entire squad a good run for our money and never let up the pressure throughout the game which was very close irrespective of the score. We have conveyed our thanks to their skipper. Next time we will have our work cut out for us!

Rowheath did not let us down - cold feeble showers after the match for the hippos to wallow in, (except for me and Charlie who felt entitled to enjoy a decent hot shower after such a mammoth performance and so used the first team changing room. By the time me and Charlie had finished wetting our bodies there was not much water left............). Followed by the half hour queue at the bar for a beer. Not surprising that the Aston Old Eds cleared off pretty pronto afterwards.
 
In true Corinthian spirit the Hippos herded onto the touchline to inspire the first team with our profound knowledge and skills of the game.  Sadly they ignored our pearls of wisdom/heckling and abuse.........................and lost.
 
But never mind lads:
"losing is character building"
"its not the winning its the taking part"
"there is always next time"
"its only a game"
"it was a moral victory"
"at least the crowd enjoyed the hippo match"
"we will beat them when it counts - in the boat race" (Tom - beer guzzler - Macintosh)
"if you can't win then just fight" (taken from the half time team talk given by Rob Sigley and Tom Ashley)
"you can always be creative with the match report" (Adam Hardy - club spin doctor)
 
But it was not just on the pitch that the Hippos demonstrated their skills and prowess.
The herd migrated south for a suitable watering hole with easier access for drink - namely the cadbury club. Here we were able to enjoy the delights, posh nosh (I trust no hippos asked for salad!) supping a few jars with the first team and Old Hales and watching match players Duncan and Tallie sink a beer in one. Duncan was refused his request for a sweet sherry instead of beer. And also declined Dicky Boy's kind offer of making it a 'proper dunking' reminding him that children were present and he did not fancy being on the police sex offenders register.
 
This set the tone for our entertaiment as the other lads rather fancied taking part in this novel rugby club ritual which is so rarely seen in the bar after matches these days. Second team lads were the real winners. Very impressive. Hippos need more practice but a nonetheless splendid performance by our team.(Duncan - a dubonnet and lemonade is not an appropriate drink for a boat race - the cherry and umbrella will get caught in your throat.)
 
As a result of the bar games Tom will be taking the first team for social coaching sessions on the consumption of beer in a true Bournville manner when one of his team asked if he could just sip his beer because the bubbles made him burp!
 
Thank you to all those on the committee who spent many a long night in deep discussions sorting, organising and arranging this event both beforehand and on the night - including the decorating of the function room.

Thanks to all the lads who turned up for this once in a lifetime occasion. It was a truly memorable event for players and spectators alike. We had members of other clubs in attendance saying that they had never witnessed such an impressive performance from a vets team and such huge support and enthusiasm for such an awful team! A little flattery always goes a long way.

It was also noted that there were more players in our hippo squad than there were players in all of our clubs senior sides. The mighty hippos are a force to be reckoned with!
 
All credit and thanks to you chaps for making it all possible and making the hippos the success and nationally recognised team it is today. Please keep playing or supporting as much as you can. It makes a big difference in helping to keep the heart and soul in our beloved club.

Harry Podex Equi would be proud.

Cheers Adam 'HeMan' Hardy